Grab A Beverage Before This One! It's A Long One!

I'm a week out after my surgery. I've lost seven pounds. I'm not hungry, but I'm craving real food!! I've had friends bring over food for my family. I imagine myself picking up that piece of chicken and ravishing it! I miss carbonated beverages more than anything! The protein shakes are grossing me out, because it takes me so long to drink them. I'm finding myself wanting food food food! I don't plan on eating horribly, but the deep dish pizza John was eating earlier was driving me crazy. I want to make healthy food and eat it, but right now I get cranky when I see any food. I keep telling myself this feeling will pass. Look at the big picture. Soon I can eat again, and it won't be broth. I'm excited to eat healthy and not pig out.

This weekend John had a hard time with my new life style. The kids were away, and normally we will eat out at restaurants we enjoy without children. Also late at night we used to go for yummy dessert. I told him we would have to find another hobby together that didn't include consuming over 1,000 each at a time. We can cook, walk, or play games together. I was dealing with it fine, but he started bringing up foods he wanted or how he missed dining out together more than a few times a day. So I told him I'm ok talking about it once or twice a day, but anymore than that makes me think about it too much.

I'm adding rowing to my bucket list. I watched it being done on the Biggest Loser. I've refused to watch that show ever since it started. I'd start watching it, and then feel guilty after a while or feel defeated. Now I use the show to motivate me! I usually end up getting emotional. I KNOW I will be one of those people that finally get it, and love life! I don't think ..... Ok, I know I've never been happy with my body. (I've thought about writing about this for a long time. I guess I'm doing it now. I will say before I write more that I am no longer a victim of my childhood woes, and I will have a good self esteem.)

I've wanted pictures to post with this story, but I'll do without. In elementary school I matured quickly. While most girls in third grade had barely anything under their shirt I had breasts. I started my period at nine. I had hips. Hell, I had a body of a teenager/woman. I slouched. I ran leaning forward a little while putting my arms in front of me. I had boys trying to touch my breasts at the same time telling me I was fat. A classmate that was also a crossing guard found much humor in shaking while I walked across the street. He said I was a bulldozer shaking the road. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, Inside I was horrified and sad. In high school a friend apologized for calling me 'Hope The Dope, With The Big Fat Soap' throughout elementary school and middle school. I went through school feeling like I didn't deserve to look in the mirror ever. I'm still working on that issue in public. Some lovely girl told me I was fat, and I didn't need to bother fixing my hair. As I write this I'm saying to myself whine whine whine. Lol

Of course in elementary school classmates thought I was fat. I didn't look like them. I WASN'T fat at all. When I look back at pictures of myself I looked GOOD! Because of my body image I wore baggy shirts.

So there's part of my story. I was blind to what I really looked like. My self esteem was tanked. I cannot wait until I walk into one of the mall stores, and feel like I belong. I love myself now, but I'm still working through years of self negative talk. I accept myself, AND I will change what I don't like. I'm overweight, but I do think I'm pretty. Two weeks more, and I can start my active life! I'm walking, but I'm ready to start training for 5K's, long hikes, and so much more. Playing football with my boys! Running through the park tagging my boys! I may still shy away from the mirror when someone walks in the bathroom, but dammit I'm going to fix that! I will live, live everyday, and love it! My weight, past, and other people's judgement of me will not rule my life. The end. ;) for now!

Gas, Gas, Glorious Gas!

When you've had your stomach blown up like a huge balloon the feeling of gas passing is marvelous! After such a procedure the conversation or passing of gas is there quite a bit. I've done tons of walking to reduce my large gas belly. My friend, Jen, came over last night, and we laughed at the subject, and cheered when I passed it. Some of you may understand, or think I've gone off my rocker. But I appreciate the passing of gas!

Yesterday, I had a bit of a scare, and I'm still a little nervous. I have an incision that is swollen and discolored. I had a low grade fever around 10 pm. I ended up going to the nurse Friday afternoon to be sure it was okay. The nurse put me on a strong antibiotic. You may not be able to see if it is swollen, but take my word for it.

I've been sipping protein shakes. Creamed soups have been added to my diet. I eat two tables to 1/4 of a cup of yogurt or soup at a time. I'm not hungry. I'm recognizing my emotional hunger. My friend, Kylla, ordered pizza for my family last night. They loved it, and it looked so good. I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to taste it. I felt myself thinking of my old ways. I know at some point I can have that food, but it will never be two/three pieces at a time. I can enjoy a BITE or lick of something. I have learned how to enjoy each taste. I'm mindful of what I'm eating. It is difficult to get in all of my fluids when I'm taking tiny sips at a time, but I'm working on it.

Today John wanted to go to Atlanta Bread for lunch after our walk (1/2 a mile four days after surgery). So I ordered a cup of tomato bisque soup. I had it in a Togo cup, because it is about four to five meals for me. It was so delicious! I warmed a little up for dinner, but I wasn't able to eat much of it before I realized I was too full. That is a painful feeling! I walked around the house to work it out.

The scale? I've lost five pounds since I've been home. You wouldn't be able to notice the weight loss since I have a gas baby! Since I've been to the doctor's office a few weeks ago I've lost 20 pounds! At times when I'm in pain I'm still in good spirits, just knowing that my future is looking up! I did find myself scared last night when there was a possibility of sepsis! I was thinking why would I do this to my boys?! Everything should be fine. My boys are with two women right now that love them dearly! They had a blast at the City Museum today. I'm looking forward to relaxing and snoozing some more.

I still believe this was the right decision for me. My family has already benefited from it. Life is good and gassy! ;) healthy tooting to all!

The Beginning of The Rest Of My Life!

I am now without most if my stomach. The surgery went well. They had to repair a hernia, and the surgery took longer. It really scared John when it hit hour three. The morning I went in I was so anxious to get it done. The IV was making me more nervous than the surgery. My nurse, Carol, was so amazing! Not only is she good at what she does, but she has great bedside manner! My nurse in recovery was funny and nice. When it came to the nurses I lucked out!

I sat up not too long after I was in my room. I even took a few steps soon after that. A lot of laps were made on my floor. I was able to go home Thursday afternoon!

Tomorrow is The Big Day!

Well, the surgery is tomorrow! I check in at 5:30 am! I'm so happy my surgery is early, 7:30 am. The past five days has seemed like two weeks in itself. I've been so hungry, and just ready to get this done!

Friday some of my friends and I went to El Toro for a last ... Lets just call it what it was ' Last Pig Out Meal'. I ate chips, salsa, cheese dip, and chimichangas! We spent hours there! I enjoyed the meal and the company. As I type that right now my stomach is growling! I've been on a clear liquid diet today. Ggrr! Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!

A WEEK From Today!!!!

You're probably asking, "What in the world is that?" Or "Why?" In my first post I joked that I let myself get this fat, because I couldn't see my stomach unless I met up with a mirror. This picture is my view when I look down. All I see is a mound of breasts. LOL

Today I received a call from a wonderful nurse from Cigna. She's been advising me and working with me to get this finally accepted through the insurance company! She was happy to let me know it was finally passed! I will be with about 85% less of a stomach That day! My life has already changed in the past week, but it will drastically change after that day. I've lost over 10 pounds since I've started this diet. Here's what I've been eating:

Breakfast: Atkins shake (I put this off as long as possible)
Mid morning snack: water/flavored water with an apple, cutie, or grapes
Lunch: Atkins shake (again I put this off) I sip it slowly
Dinner: two cups of vegetables and 8 oz of skim milk
Snack: a fruit, 8 oz milk

If I get super hungry between any of those "meals" I will have a sugar free jello. I eat the jello very slowly to enjoy it. I've learned to appreciate and be mindful of my food I'm eating. I haven't gone off of the diet once! Believe me I've thought going off of it a few times. I've joked with John that I could eat the whole world at times! Last night John cooked my vegetables. They were delicious, but spicy! He was trying to make it like the Indian food I have enjoyed, but I have a wimpy tongue! It was delicious, but I ate it fast, because of the spicy flavor.

Ethan and I went to the Walmart this morning. I tried to make sure I went there right after I ate an apple. I don't want to be walking through Walmart feeling hungry. We were there for quite some time. Ethan needed a haircut badly. I was able to walk through the store hungry, and I didn't fill up my cart with crap or feel anxious! I had my shake when I got home, and I'm feeling great!

Eight Days More

I am HUNGRY, and I'm handling the feeling just fine. By saying that I mean I'm not following my mind that would like to go eat just a piece of cheese. I have to say for two days since I read a friend's status of eating at the White Horse I've CRAVED biscuits and gravy! Just like Doritos I rarely eat biscuits and gravy, but I'm once again dreaming of buttery biscuits with delicious sausage gravy! LOL Why did that status set off my craving? I remember once in a while I'd go there with my dad for breakfast when I was kid. I liked being there with my dad, and the biscuits and gravy were yummy! Don't bother going to try the biscuits and gravy there. They no longer serve breakfast. Why do I know that? I just looked it up. Hehe I am near that time of month, and I usually have a bigger appetite, or my hormones crave food it shouldn't crave!

Insurance tried to throw a wrench into my surgery. Now they'd like a letter from my regular doctor approving my surgery. According to a Carle employee this is new from the insurance. The approval of the surgeon, psychiatrist, and six months of seeing my doctor every six weeks wasn't enough?! Supposedly it was taken care of today.

Smiling

Day 3 and 4
I'm feeling pretty amazing right now. I'm already seeing the benefits of my decision and this diet. We go out to eat quite often. The boys' meals are not what I'd want them to eat. For three days straight we've eaten at home. They've eaten healthy meals, and Aaron has even asked to eat my vegetables! They had green beans, but Aaron was really interested in mine. So one night we actually had three different vegetables on the table.

Last night I felt like I got my emotions under control with my hunger. Unlike the night before when I was dreaming of the Doritos I was able to be okay with feeling hungry. It was a different feeling. I knew I was hungry, but there wasn't that desperation of wanting to run out in my underwear to get a cheeseburger! A negative I've found so far is that I'm having a hard time sleeping. Let me rephrase that, I'm having a hard time sleeping at NIGHT. Two nights before I woke up off and on through the night. Last night I just couldn't fall asleep. I ended up falling asleep reclined on our couch. I woke up to John Michael asking me a question at 6 A.M. I'm hoping tonight is better.

This morning (just like Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday) I fell asleep for a while on the couch. This diet has left me feeling weak at times and exhausted. Later today I got a burst of energy! I went upstairs to clean our bedroom while Ethan played in his room. Our room was BAD! I rather show you a before picture of myself in tight clothes than show a picture of our room. LOL We were on our way to an episode of Hoarders. Okay, it wasn't that bad... It felt so good to get that done!

Since Tuesday I've been hiding out in my house. I didn't think I'd leave the house until my surgery. Feeling so hungry and not wanting to look at food made me fear being around any food. I decided tonight I'd go out with Melissa M. to spend my Pier 1 gift card. She mentioned that she had an Applebee's gift card, and that we could go. Two days ago my reply would have been "Hell no!". Today I felt strong enough to handle eating vegetables instead of ordering a meal. Before I went John mentioned that I could cheat, and the doctors wouldn't know. I didn't appreciate that comment. I'm 100% committed to this. I know he was worried I'd have a hard time with it, and maybe he was giving me an out. I felt a moment of weakness. He said that I had been telling him about others from the Forum I read that they've cheated on their pre op diet. I don't work like that. I think if I ate a regular meal or ordered pizza I would have a super hard time going back to the diet. I've made a commitment and I will stick to it! I can report that I ate broccoli and zucchini with terriaki! I decided my 'cheat' would be diet coke. After the surgery I will not be drinking it.  Melissa felt bad ordering a meal, but I told her I was completely fine. I really was fine. All of the food that passed me and the burger she ate did not bother me! This is such an amazing feeling! As I type I'm hungry, but I don't feel anxious about it. I'll probably get a sugar free jello and drink water before I go to sleep. Being hungry may be what kept me awake the other night.

I look forward to having my surgery, and being able to tell myself I did it without ordering that pizza or making my mom's dip with Doritos on that second day! My sister sent a picture of something yummy the kids might like. I teased her and asked if she was trying to torture me. It did look good, but I was okay. After a while I can make it. I will only be eating a fourth of a cup of it, and that's fine! I have spent a lot of time on http://www.verticalsleevetalk.com/ . It is a wonderful forum! There are people that share their success stories and fears. The forum has been a wonderful tool for me. I am more than excited for my future and the future of my family. I feel so lucky for all of the support I've received from friends and family. The 22nd of January will be here in no time!

That apple is DELICOUS!

I'm on day three of the two week diet. I slept a lot this morning. For some reason my sleep the past couple of days has been difficult. On a good note since January 8th the scale is down 7.2 pounds! I don't care if it is water weight or fat the scale is down, and I will never see those numbers again.

Last night I put myself in my room after we read to the boys and put them to bed. John brought an apple and sugar free jello up to me. I became super hungry after a while. I was handling it okay until I saw an animated bag of Doritos. At that point my brain went on an eating adventure! I started imagining the cheese powder on the Doritos, and my mom makes this yummy dip with cream cheese and salsa. I imagined scooping up a bunch of dip and bringing it to my mouth. During that fantasy a pizza commercial came on. I told John we needed to turn off the t.v. or I'd be jumping in the car in my t-shirt and panties to go to a drive thru. (hehe) He agreed it was past our bedtime. I fell asleep thinking of Doritos. Mind you, I am not a big chip eater. Yes, if I open a bag of Doritos I can eat quite a bit, but I'm okay as long as I don't open it. I don't even buy Doritos. So I was very hungry to be fantasizing about DORITOS. I woke up a lot during the night, but I wasn't having hungry pains. My headaches have been lingering since yesterday morning. I've heard you can get headaches the first few days. Ugh. I keep telling myself it will be totally worth it!

My insecurities are also front in my mind, and that's also a motivation to continue this diet. Monday Aaron and John Michael had swimming lessons. I find myself constantly worrying about how I look. If I could I'd be invisible right now. I walk past the front desk wondering if my coat is covering my stomach and if my sweater is covering my breasts. I walked by the mirror feeling negative about my looks. I find myself noticing there is someone behind me watching their kids, and I don't want to turn around because of the way I look. Yesterday I was sitting and watching the boys swim, I heard a voice I recognized (Wendy), but I didn't want to turn around, because I'm so fat. I look up to her, because she's so active. She's run marathons, teaches aerobics classes, and swims. I put my thoughts about myself in place of what I think she probably thinks of me. I know this is all unhealthy. When I look at someone overweight I don't think the thoughts I have about myself. If anyone has ever said or thought negative things about me, believe me I've said and thought a lot worse. Yes, this is still a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

I've also realized how much to appreciate my food when I don't get very much of it. ;-) My apples, grapes, and vegetables have never tasted so good! Each bite of the apple is so sweet and crisp.

800 is Not My Favorite Number Right Now

Day 1
The first day of my two week 800 calorie diet started today. It went well until about 4:00, and then my body said, "I'm HUNGRY!" Earlier I was on cloud 9 after I grocery shopped. My friend, Melissa, kept me company while I shopped for yummy fruits, vegetables, and shakes. I even made sure on my way home I started my delicious lunch of an Atkins shake before I got too hungry. I know what happens if I pass that hunger line. I want to eat whatever I can or jump down someone's throat! I was proud of the vegetables that filled my refrigerator! I still am happy about the food that fills my refrigerator!

I enjoyed My dinner of two cups of vegetables cooked in chicken broth with seasoned salt added. Aaron actually wanted to steal my broccoli and cauliflower! I told him I'd make some for him tomorrow! After I ate my dinner I felt satisfied.....for about thirty minutes! Ggrr! My plan was to have my piece of fruit and hot tea around 7:30. What on earth was I to do?! I drank my water and snapped at John a little. My poor family has a lot to deal with in the next two weeks. I kept telling myself that this will pass. The end game is so much more worth it than my raging hunger! I also kept thinking about a book I've had for at least five years called 'Life is Hard, Food Is Easy' that I need to read. The book is now sitting next to me, and I will be reading it!

I sit here in my bed with my hot tea, feeling like I made it through the first storm! I spent some time texting with my friend, Gabi. We gave each other support, and she helped me not run to the kitchen and drink the pasta sauce. Hehe I really can't mess up. They will cancel my surgery if I don't do this diet, and that can't happen.

I'm adding to my new life bucket list:
- I want to walk into a store that doesn't carry plus sized clothes, and feel like I belong there.
- Visit my Brazilian sister, Carol, and have her show me her "New Orleans"!

My Journey

Tomorrow is the beginning of a journey I've been anxiously awaiting. This blog will be the recording of this journey, and how I ended up making the decision I'm made. This blog will be honest, sometimes filled with too much information, and long winded. ;)

I haven't told many people, but I'm having bariatric surgery on January 22, 2013. At times I've worried what people will think about it, but I can't be concerned with that. I had first decided to have the lap band put on, but I've now changed to having the vertical sleeve done. What is that you may ask? Well, the doctor will remove most of my stomach so that I'm left with a tiny stomach. At the most I will be able to eat 2 to 3 ounces at a time. I will never drink pop again. There's so much more to it, and if you want look it up to learn more. I will lose the majority of my weight within the first 6 months to a year.

This decision did not come lightly. I can't tell you how many diets I've been on. For me, I need a strict, no choice about it plan! If I mess up it is life threatening, and for me that's ENOUGH to stay on track. You'd think heart disease, depression, and other issues with being overweight would be enough. But sadly because it isn't an immediate consequence it isn't enough for me. Yes, I try and try. You may say I haven't tried hard enough. There are some people that know about this surgery I'm having, and they have doubts that I will follow it and they are scared for me. The nurse has said don't let anyone tell you this is the easy, because it isn't. I am TRULY committed and excited to begin this journey! I need to do something NOW and this is what it needs to be. I find myself afraid that I will be having knee surgery in fifteen years, and following in one of my grandmother's footsteps if I don't do something drastic.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am! I've been a little overweight to obese since high school. I've tried different exercises, but honestly my breasts are so darn heavy! I've had John hold them up a couple of times so he could see how heavy they are. It is such a relief on my back and neck when he holds them for a couple of seconds. *giggle* He can't hold them for too long, because they are so heavy!!! I've wanted to run for exercise. I've tried taping them, many different sports bras, and even running where no one can see me while I hold them. (I told you this blog would have TMI.) As of right now I wear a size 44H(tight) bra. I joke at times that I'm this fat, because I can't see my body below my breasts. When I look in the mirror I'm reminded that I am THIS fat.

I have started a list of ...you could call it my 'New Life Bucket List'. Some of the things on the list I've done, but I don't or haven't wanted to do because of my weight or when I THOUGHT I was fat (more on that subject later). Here is my list as of right now:

• Skiing
• Ice Skating/Roller Skating
• Horseback riding
• Hiking long distances and up mountains
• Theme parks without worrying
• Training for the Crazy CarX
• Ziplining
• Taking the kids canoeing
• Swimming laps
• Aerobics classes
• Ballroom Dance classes

As of tomorrow I start my two week 800 diet of veggies, protein shakes, and lots of water. I'm looking forward to eating a ton of veggies. My body is ready to eat healthy and feel good. I did receive a call from Carle saying that the past employee hadn't sent my papers in to the insurance yet!! I'm so frustrated with Carle and my insurance. I've had so many problems with them. Now because of someone not doing their job I may have to put this off AGAIN! I called the Carle Complaint Line hoping I can get somewhere. So this is the beginning of my journey. Happy Birthday to me! :-)