"That person shouldn't be married to that horrible person."
"I wouldn't put up with that."
"She should work for another company."
"If I were him I wouldn't do that."
We as friends, parents, siblings, or partners just want the best for the other person. As we all know the person or ourselves decide ultimately what we believe is right. Are our decisions made by some professional's opinion we read, or do we make up our minds by critical thinking and emotions? Do we follow the guidelines of a psychologist's opinion written in a book? Here's how I am making my decisions as of now, or what I take into consideration:
- My CHILDREN (always #1)
- My well being (includes: emotional/physical health, schooling to be able to care for myself and children by getting a decent job.)
- Past experiences
- What are my motives?
- Will this hinder or help my future?
- Once again, always thinking of what is best for my children.
- Will I be making the same mistakes I've made in the past?
- Am I happy? Oh...that goes towards my well being.
- People's opinions/advice/concerns/judgments
It is also incredibly frustrating and hurtful when people assume they know why the divorce is happening. People incredibly close to me know why, but sometimes I wish the judgmental people knew the facts. My decision wasn't made so that I could have my 'freedom'. My decision was made so that my children could have a happy and healthy mom. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I never wanted to share my time I had with my children. I never wanted to have to think about what weekend I have the kids. When Ethan came home from school yesterday I couldn't get enough hugs from him. I hadn't seen him since Friday afternoon. What I wanted was a supportive and loving partner to help me raise our children. Do you want to know what it means? I'm happy right now.
Dating and Divorce: Oohhhhhh this is a good subject. NOT. By talking to others you would think it was the only thing in my life. I'm not rebounding. Believe me, with what happened in my marriage I'm not rebounding. When I started going out on dates it was to enjoy actual conversation and to be treated nicely. That's all it was. I didn't want a relationship. I had no faith in love or what people called love. I scoffed at love or people supposedly being in love. I grew up watching betrayal and I went through it myself. I happened to meet a man for dinner that seemed like a pretty nice guy. I figured we would have dinner, and maybe I'd never see him again. It has been over a month now. I've never been treated with so much respect and love before. Does that mean I've moved him in? NO! Does that mean I'm getting married soon? NO! Does that mean my children are no longer my priority? NO! Am I ignoring my friends? Nope. It's the same as it always has been. I see my friends off and on. Everyone gets busy as usual, and sometimes we don't get together for a while. Is it the ideal time to be in a relationship? According to the professionals, no. Every decision I make I think of my children. For now my boys see him as a friend, and they rarely see him. He is a positive influence in their life. I will always consider my children number one no matter what I do. As long as my kids are happy, I am happy, and what is going on is healthy than I will choose to spend time with this wonderful man. I'm sorry it didn't work with everyone's timeline. I feel like people want me to prove for a certain amount of time I can be 'alone'. You could say I've been alone for quite some time. Heh.
Divorce adventures also include issues with the ex and not informing me of things that happen with the children. I don't expect to know everything about what happens. It is important to inform me if you're in a car accident whether it is big or small.
I've been surprised with all of the stereotypical experiences of a divorce that happens. We didn't have a whole lot of friends together, but I was surprised that I was alienated by a couple of our friends. All I can do is continue to do what I am doing. I strive to be a good person, and my boys are number one. If lies are told about me all I can do is ignore it. I can choose to air all of the dirty laundry, or be the bigger person and move on. Hate me, love me, judge me, like me, talk about me...
I ask each person that has given me advice, supported me, loved me, judged me, or talked about me to take a minute to think about what my children and me are going through. Before I type this I realize people have it worse than me, but this is what I'm going through. I took on going to school at the same time I decided to get a divorce. I was promised help from him with our youngest. He decided in the middle of the semester not to any longer. Because of missing lots of classes for child's sickness and not having help I've had to drop one of my classes. My middle son is dealing with extreme anger issues because of the divorce. My house is an example of how my life is right now; A DISASTER. Between trying to do homework, clean, take care of the boys, ex issues, not sleeping through the night, and so much more I feel like I'm drowning. I have support...but it seems like there's not enough time in the day to get enough done. After hearing some opinions you would think all I do is spend 24 hours a day with my boyfriend. That's not even close to being true. He does work, has a home, and doesn't live in the same town. I also have my boys the majority of the time. I am 36 years old, with three boys, and almost a divorcee. I have made plenty of mistakes. I have learned from them. I'm a healthier and happier person, and I will not make any rash decisions. There have been many examples from other divorces I've seen that have been good and bad. I will obviously take from the good and avoid the bad.
The last favor I ask is to try to be less judgmental not just of me but of others going through a divorce. From the outside you have no idea of everything that is going on. It may look like one thing, but is another. I'm trying to make a happier and healthier life for my children and myself; Remember that above everything else. I welcome your advice, but please don't take offense if I choose a different path. It also doesn't mean my way is wrong. If my children are happy and healthy that's what matters. I'm sure that I'm forgetting some things I wanted to say, but this blog is already super long. Happy reading!
