Five Weeks Feels Like Six Months

I'm sitting in the van with my youngest in the school pick up line. I feel so full. For lunch I had a few bites of what's pictured below. I ordered sausage without really thinking. Not that the mouse bites I had would add pounds on me, but it is fatty and not good for my gallbladder. I realized I just wanted to taste it again. Everything was too salty for me. I realize if I ever eat out I should always go with someone I can share a meal with.


I'd say it has been a roller coaster ever since my surgery. I'm very happy with my decision still, but the message from Dr. O's nurse really means something to me now. "If anyone says you took the easy way they are completely wrong."

This is not easy. I had to make a drastic move in my life before I wasted any more years. Can I eat cake, ice cream, etc if I wanted to? Sure! The surgery didn't solve everything. It is a stern voice in my body saying THIS is how much you can eat, and if you eat more than that you are going to hurt. I still have to make the right decisions. It is still up to me to exercise and eat what is healthy for me. It has been five weeks, and my problem isn't that I'm eating high calorie/fat foods. My problem is drinking enough fluids and getting my protein in.

I still have times when I see pizza, and think that it smells and looks really good. I'd really like to taste it, but I tell myself it won't be worth it. At some point I'll make pizza with cauliflower crust. When I was in the hospital over night for my gallbladder I wasn't able to eat or drink anything. That next day I was quite cranky about sitting at Atlanta Bread watching everyone eat tasty looking food. As long as I'm not kept from drinking or eating I'm ok, but that day I wasn't. Most of my friends are nervous about asking me to go out to eat. I can go, and if I feel like it won't be easy for me I won't go. I can share meals...more like take a few bites from your plate. ;)

I've lost 25 pounds since my surgery. According to my nurse I'm doing quite well! I've lost 26% of what I'm supposed to lose. They ask most patients to be between 15% and 25% at this point. Minus my uterus and gallbladder issues I feel good. I say that as I feel weak and tired, but when I walk I notice the weightloss. I feel lighter. My clothes shirts are quite loose. I've gone down a jean size, but I feel like my stomach, butt, and hip fat don't want to leave me. I've noticed most of the weight and inches coming off from my face, waist, and chest area. I'll be looking into a breast reduction and or a lift. I wouldn't say I was ever perky after I passed size DDD, but they are no longer plump. I laugh as I type that. National Geographic comes to mind. AND we move on...

My three boys don't seem to notice a difference. My middle child asked me yesterday, "Mommy, if you've lost weight why are you still fat?" I can always count on Aaron to be blunt and not spare my feelings. Maybe in a month or so he will notice a difference.

I guess that's it for now. I'm posting some before pictures. I have to laugh when I look at them. It was the night before surgery, and I asked John Michael to take pictures of me. I've always thought people made their before pictures look bad on purpose. Nope, that wasn't my plan. I'm adding one I took of myself over a week ago. I think I've lost four or so pounds since then.

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Grab A Beverage Before This One! It's A Long One!

I'm a week out after my surgery. I've lost seven pounds. I'm not hungry, but I'm craving real food!! I've had friends bring over food for my family. I imagine myself picking up that piece of chicken and ravishing it! I miss carbonated beverages more than anything! The protein shakes are grossing me out, because it takes me so long to drink them. I'm finding myself wanting food food food! I don't plan on eating horribly, but the deep dish pizza John was eating earlier was driving me crazy. I want to make healthy food and eat it, but right now I get cranky when I see any food. I keep telling myself this feeling will pass. Look at the big picture. Soon I can eat again, and it won't be broth. I'm excited to eat healthy and not pig out.

This weekend John had a hard time with my new life style. The kids were away, and normally we will eat out at restaurants we enjoy without children. Also late at night we used to go for yummy dessert. I told him we would have to find another hobby together that didn't include consuming over 1,000 each at a time. We can cook, walk, or play games together. I was dealing with it fine, but he started bringing up foods he wanted or how he missed dining out together more than a few times a day. So I told him I'm ok talking about it once or twice a day, but anymore than that makes me think about it too much.

I'm adding rowing to my bucket list. I watched it being done on the Biggest Loser. I've refused to watch that show ever since it started. I'd start watching it, and then feel guilty after a while or feel defeated. Now I use the show to motivate me! I usually end up getting emotional. I KNOW I will be one of those people that finally get it, and love life! I don't think ..... Ok, I know I've never been happy with my body. (I've thought about writing about this for a long time. I guess I'm doing it now. I will say before I write more that I am no longer a victim of my childhood woes, and I will have a good self esteem.)

I've wanted pictures to post with this story, but I'll do without. In elementary school I matured quickly. While most girls in third grade had barely anything under their shirt I had breasts. I started my period at nine. I had hips. Hell, I had a body of a teenager/woman. I slouched. I ran leaning forward a little while putting my arms in front of me. I had boys trying to touch my breasts at the same time telling me I was fat. A classmate that was also a crossing guard found much humor in shaking while I walked across the street. He said I was a bulldozer shaking the road. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, Inside I was horrified and sad. In high school a friend apologized for calling me 'Hope The Dope, With The Big Fat Soap' throughout elementary school and middle school. I went through school feeling like I didn't deserve to look in the mirror ever. I'm still working on that issue in public. Some lovely girl told me I was fat, and I didn't need to bother fixing my hair. As I write this I'm saying to myself whine whine whine. Lol

Of course in elementary school classmates thought I was fat. I didn't look like them. I WASN'T fat at all. When I look back at pictures of myself I looked GOOD! Because of my body image I wore baggy shirts.

So there's part of my story. I was blind to what I really looked like. My self esteem was tanked. I cannot wait until I walk into one of the mall stores, and feel like I belong. I love myself now, but I'm still working through years of self negative talk. I accept myself, AND I will change what I don't like. I'm overweight, but I do think I'm pretty. Two weeks more, and I can start my active life! I'm walking, but I'm ready to start training for 5K's, long hikes, and so much more. Playing football with my boys! Running through the park tagging my boys! I may still shy away from the mirror when someone walks in the bathroom, but dammit I'm going to fix that! I will live, live everyday, and love it! My weight, past, and other people's judgement of me will not rule my life. The end. ;) for now!

Gas, Gas, Glorious Gas!

When you've had your stomach blown up like a huge balloon the feeling of gas passing is marvelous! After such a procedure the conversation or passing of gas is there quite a bit. I've done tons of walking to reduce my large gas belly. My friend, Jen, came over last night, and we laughed at the subject, and cheered when I passed it. Some of you may understand, or think I've gone off my rocker. But I appreciate the passing of gas!

Yesterday, I had a bit of a scare, and I'm still a little nervous. I have an incision that is swollen and discolored. I had a low grade fever around 10 pm. I ended up going to the nurse Friday afternoon to be sure it was okay. The nurse put me on a strong antibiotic. You may not be able to see if it is swollen, but take my word for it.

I've been sipping protein shakes. Creamed soups have been added to my diet. I eat two tables to 1/4 of a cup of yogurt or soup at a time. I'm not hungry. I'm recognizing my emotional hunger. My friend, Kylla, ordered pizza for my family last night. They loved it, and it looked so good. I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to taste it. I felt myself thinking of my old ways. I know at some point I can have that food, but it will never be two/three pieces at a time. I can enjoy a BITE or lick of something. I have learned how to enjoy each taste. I'm mindful of what I'm eating. It is difficult to get in all of my fluids when I'm taking tiny sips at a time, but I'm working on it.

Today John wanted to go to Atlanta Bread for lunch after our walk (1/2 a mile four days after surgery). So I ordered a cup of tomato bisque soup. I had it in a Togo cup, because it is about four to five meals for me. It was so delicious! I warmed a little up for dinner, but I wasn't able to eat much of it before I realized I was too full. That is a painful feeling! I walked around the house to work it out.

The scale? I've lost five pounds since I've been home. You wouldn't be able to notice the weight loss since I have a gas baby! Since I've been to the doctor's office a few weeks ago I've lost 20 pounds! At times when I'm in pain I'm still in good spirits, just knowing that my future is looking up! I did find myself scared last night when there was a possibility of sepsis! I was thinking why would I do this to my boys?! Everything should be fine. My boys are with two women right now that love them dearly! They had a blast at the City Museum today. I'm looking forward to relaxing and snoozing some more.

I still believe this was the right decision for me. My family has already benefited from it. Life is good and gassy! ;) healthy tooting to all!

The Beginning of The Rest Of My Life!

I am now without most if my stomach. The surgery went well. They had to repair a hernia, and the surgery took longer. It really scared John when it hit hour three. The morning I went in I was so anxious to get it done. The IV was making me more nervous than the surgery. My nurse, Carol, was so amazing! Not only is she good at what she does, but she has great bedside manner! My nurse in recovery was funny and nice. When it came to the nurses I lucked out!

I sat up not too long after I was in my room. I even took a few steps soon after that. A lot of laps were made on my floor. I was able to go home Thursday afternoon!

Tomorrow is The Big Day!

Well, the surgery is tomorrow! I check in at 5:30 am! I'm so happy my surgery is early, 7:30 am. The past five days has seemed like two weeks in itself. I've been so hungry, and just ready to get this done!

Friday some of my friends and I went to El Toro for a last ... Lets just call it what it was ' Last Pig Out Meal'. I ate chips, salsa, cheese dip, and chimichangas! We spent hours there! I enjoyed the meal and the company. As I type that right now my stomach is growling! I've been on a clear liquid diet today. Ggrr! Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!