I'm a week out after my surgery. I've lost seven pounds. I'm not hungry, but I'm craving real food!! I've had friends bring over food for my family. I imagine myself picking up that piece of chicken and ravishing it! I miss carbonated beverages more than anything! The protein shakes are grossing me out, because it takes me so long to drink them. I'm finding myself wanting food food food! I don't plan on eating horribly, but the deep dish pizza John was eating earlier was driving me crazy. I want to make healthy food and eat it, but right now I get cranky when I see any food. I keep telling myself this feeling will pass. Look at the big picture. Soon I can eat again, and it won't be broth. I'm excited to eat healthy and not pig out.
This weekend John had a hard time with my new life style. The kids were away, and normally we will eat out at restaurants we enjoy without children. Also late at night we used to go for yummy dessert. I told him we would have to find another hobby together that didn't include consuming over 1,000 each at a time. We can cook, walk, or play games together. I was dealing with it fine, but he started bringing up foods he wanted or how he missed dining out together more than a few times a day. So I told him I'm ok talking about it once or twice a day, but anymore than that makes me think about it too much.
I'm adding rowing to my bucket list. I watched it being done on the Biggest Loser. I've refused to watch that show ever since it started. I'd start watching it, and then feel guilty after a while or feel defeated. Now I use the show to motivate me! I usually end up getting emotional. I KNOW I will be one of those people that finally get it, and love life! I don't think ..... Ok, I know I've never been happy with my body. (I've thought about writing about this for a long time. I guess I'm doing it now. I will say before I write more that I am no longer a victim of my childhood woes, and I will have a good self esteem.)
I've wanted pictures to post with this story, but I'll do without. In elementary school I matured quickly. While most girls in third grade had barely anything under their shirt I had breasts. I started my period at nine. I had hips. Hell, I had a body of a teenager/woman. I slouched. I ran leaning forward a little while putting my arms in front of me. I had boys trying to touch my breasts at the same time telling me I was fat. A classmate that was also a crossing guard found much humor in shaking while I walked across the street. He said I was a bulldozer shaking the road. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, Inside I was horrified and sad. In high school a friend apologized for calling me 'Hope The Dope, With The Big Fat Soap' throughout elementary school and middle school. I went through school feeling like I didn't deserve to look in the mirror ever. I'm still working on that issue in public. Some lovely girl told me I was fat, and I didn't need to bother fixing my hair. As I write this I'm saying to myself whine whine whine. Lol
Of course in elementary school classmates thought I was fat. I didn't look like them. I WASN'T fat at all. When I look back at pictures of myself I looked GOOD! Because of my body image I wore baggy shirts.
So there's part of my story. I was blind to what I really looked like. My self esteem was tanked. I cannot wait until I walk into one of the mall stores, and feel like I belong. I love myself now, but I'm still working through years of self negative talk. I accept myself, AND I will change what I don't like. I'm overweight, but I do think I'm pretty. Two weeks more, and I can start my active life! I'm walking, but I'm ready to start training for 5K's, long hikes, and so much more. Playing football with my boys! Running through the park tagging my boys! I may still shy away from the mirror when someone walks in the bathroom, but dammit I'm going to fix that! I will live, live everyday, and love it! My weight, past, and other people's judgement of me will not rule my life. The end. ;) for now!
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