My life is quite blessed. I have loving friends and family. I have a roof over my head. My boys are healthy. So what do I have to complain about? There are parts of my life in limbo right now. When I try to sign up for health insurance it asks about my income and marital status. My divorce isn't final, and 'my house income' has changed drastically. Trying to sign up for financial aid runs me into the same problem. I don't do well not knowing what I'm doing or what's going to happen. Yes, I know we won't always know what is going to happen. I want to be able to know how I'm going to pay for school, and how much is health insurance going to cost me? My ice maker is still broken. Fusco has blood in his stool. My boys still aren't listening to me...I mean my children aren't respecting me. I need super nanny. I've exercised just a handful of times in the past few months.
Whine, whine, whine! I am done with that. I know what I need to do when it comes to exercise. Get my ass back to the gym, and quit my whining! I can give myself a break about freaking out about school and work, but I'm telling myself to shut up about everything else. For me it helps to complain, and then I move on. I feel like deleting this post, but it is a good reminder to release your complaints, and remind yourself of the blessings in your life.
New Image
The other day my mom and I did a little shopping. I tried a fo leather skirt on that was a size 10! Yes, it fit, and I'd like to say it was a little loose on me! Sadly the zipper was broken, and it was the only skirt available. I actually liked the skirt on me! My mom handed me a cute black jacket to try on. I told her it wasn't going to fit. Oh! The jacket fit, and I loved it! I don't need another jacket, but I really wanted it! I realize I still see myself with the extra 129 pounds on me. I'm working on my self image, but it is taking some time. I still see myself at times as having a big belly. In all I am incredibly happy with what I've done. I went from a size 24 to a size 10 in less than a year!
My mom had the same surgery, and she's doing quite well. I'm so happy for her, and I look forward to exercising with her soon. I also look forward to seeing how happy and healthy she will be!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Adventures in Divorce
Where do I begin with this post? What have a noticed most with this whole experience? Every move/decision I make is studied, talked about, and then I'm given a report or advice. I've seen this before from the outside. All of us think we can run someone else's life better than them.
"That person shouldn't be married to that horrible person."
"I wouldn't put up with that."
"She should work for another company."
"If I were him I wouldn't do that."
We as friends, parents, siblings, or partners just want the best for the other person. As we all know the person or ourselves decide ultimately what we believe is right. Are our decisions made by some professional's opinion we read, or do we make up our minds by critical thinking and emotions? Do we follow the guidelines of a psychologist's opinion written in a book? Here's how I am making my decisions as of now, or what I take into consideration:
It is also incredibly frustrating and hurtful when people assume they know why the divorce is happening. People incredibly close to me know why, but sometimes I wish the judgmental people knew the facts. My decision wasn't made so that I could have my 'freedom'. My decision was made so that my children could have a happy and healthy mom. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I never wanted to share my time I had with my children. I never wanted to have to think about what weekend I have the kids. When Ethan came home from school yesterday I couldn't get enough hugs from him. I hadn't seen him since Friday afternoon. What I wanted was a supportive and loving partner to help me raise our children. Do you want to know what it means? I'm happy right now.
Dating and Divorce: Oohhhhhh this is a good subject. NOT. By talking to others you would think it was the only thing in my life. I'm not rebounding. Believe me, with what happened in my marriage I'm not rebounding. When I started going out on dates it was to enjoy actual conversation and to be treated nicely. That's all it was. I didn't want a relationship. I had no faith in love or what people called love. I scoffed at love or people supposedly being in love. I grew up watching betrayal and I went through it myself. I happened to meet a man for dinner that seemed like a pretty nice guy. I figured we would have dinner, and maybe I'd never see him again. It has been over a month now. I've never been treated with so much respect and love before. Does that mean I've moved him in? NO! Does that mean I'm getting married soon? NO! Does that mean my children are no longer my priority? NO! Am I ignoring my friends? Nope. It's the same as it always has been. I see my friends off and on. Everyone gets busy as usual, and sometimes we don't get together for a while. Is it the ideal time to be in a relationship? According to the professionals, no. Every decision I make I think of my children. For now my boys see him as a friend, and they rarely see him. He is a positive influence in their life. I will always consider my children number one no matter what I do. As long as my kids are happy, I am happy, and what is going on is healthy than I will choose to spend time with this wonderful man. I'm sorry it didn't work with everyone's timeline. I feel like people want me to prove for a certain amount of time I can be 'alone'. You could say I've been alone for quite some time. Heh.
Divorce adventures also include issues with the ex and not informing me of things that happen with the children. I don't expect to know everything about what happens. It is important to inform me if you're in a car accident whether it is big or small.
I've been surprised with all of the stereotypical experiences of a divorce that happens. We didn't have a whole lot of friends together, but I was surprised that I was alienated by a couple of our friends. All I can do is continue to do what I am doing. I strive to be a good person, and my boys are number one. If lies are told about me all I can do is ignore it. I can choose to air all of the dirty laundry, or be the bigger person and move on. Hate me, love me, judge me, like me, talk about me...
I ask each person that has given me advice, supported me, loved me, judged me, or talked about me to take a minute to think about what my children and me are going through. Before I type this I realize people have it worse than me, but this is what I'm going through. I took on going to school at the same time I decided to get a divorce. I was promised help from him with our youngest. He decided in the middle of the semester not to any longer. Because of missing lots of classes for child's sickness and not having help I've had to drop one of my classes. My middle son is dealing with extreme anger issues because of the divorce. My house is an example of how my life is right now; A DISASTER. Between trying to do homework, clean, take care of the boys, ex issues, not sleeping through the night, and so much more I feel like I'm drowning. I have support...but it seems like there's not enough time in the day to get enough done. After hearing some opinions you would think all I do is spend 24 hours a day with my boyfriend. That's not even close to being true. He does work, has a home, and doesn't live in the same town. I also have my boys the majority of the time. I am 36 years old, with three boys, and almost a divorcee. I have made plenty of mistakes. I have learned from them. I'm a healthier and happier person, and I will not make any rash decisions. There have been many examples from other divorces I've seen that have been good and bad. I will obviously take from the good and avoid the bad.
The last favor I ask is to try to be less judgmental not just of me but of others going through a divorce. From the outside you have no idea of everything that is going on. It may look like one thing, but is another. I'm trying to make a happier and healthier life for my children and myself; Remember that above everything else. I welcome your advice, but please don't take offense if I choose a different path. It also doesn't mean my way is wrong. If my children are happy and healthy that's what matters. I'm sure that I'm forgetting some things I wanted to say, but this blog is already super long. Happy reading!
"That person shouldn't be married to that horrible person."
"I wouldn't put up with that."
"She should work for another company."
"If I were him I wouldn't do that."
We as friends, parents, siblings, or partners just want the best for the other person. As we all know the person or ourselves decide ultimately what we believe is right. Are our decisions made by some professional's opinion we read, or do we make up our minds by critical thinking and emotions? Do we follow the guidelines of a psychologist's opinion written in a book? Here's how I am making my decisions as of now, or what I take into consideration:
- My CHILDREN (always #1)
- My well being (includes: emotional/physical health, schooling to be able to care for myself and children by getting a decent job.)
- Past experiences
- What are my motives?
- Will this hinder or help my future?
- Once again, always thinking of what is best for my children.
- Will I be making the same mistakes I've made in the past?
- Am I happy? Oh...that goes towards my well being.
- People's opinions/advice/concerns/judgments
It is also incredibly frustrating and hurtful when people assume they know why the divorce is happening. People incredibly close to me know why, but sometimes I wish the judgmental people knew the facts. My decision wasn't made so that I could have my 'freedom'. My decision was made so that my children could have a happy and healthy mom. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I never wanted to share my time I had with my children. I never wanted to have to think about what weekend I have the kids. When Ethan came home from school yesterday I couldn't get enough hugs from him. I hadn't seen him since Friday afternoon. What I wanted was a supportive and loving partner to help me raise our children. Do you want to know what it means? I'm happy right now.
Dating and Divorce: Oohhhhhh this is a good subject. NOT. By talking to others you would think it was the only thing in my life. I'm not rebounding. Believe me, with what happened in my marriage I'm not rebounding. When I started going out on dates it was to enjoy actual conversation and to be treated nicely. That's all it was. I didn't want a relationship. I had no faith in love or what people called love. I scoffed at love or people supposedly being in love. I grew up watching betrayal and I went through it myself. I happened to meet a man for dinner that seemed like a pretty nice guy. I figured we would have dinner, and maybe I'd never see him again. It has been over a month now. I've never been treated with so much respect and love before. Does that mean I've moved him in? NO! Does that mean I'm getting married soon? NO! Does that mean my children are no longer my priority? NO! Am I ignoring my friends? Nope. It's the same as it always has been. I see my friends off and on. Everyone gets busy as usual, and sometimes we don't get together for a while. Is it the ideal time to be in a relationship? According to the professionals, no. Every decision I make I think of my children. For now my boys see him as a friend, and they rarely see him. He is a positive influence in their life. I will always consider my children number one no matter what I do. As long as my kids are happy, I am happy, and what is going on is healthy than I will choose to spend time with this wonderful man. I'm sorry it didn't work with everyone's timeline. I feel like people want me to prove for a certain amount of time I can be 'alone'. You could say I've been alone for quite some time. Heh.
Divorce adventures also include issues with the ex and not informing me of things that happen with the children. I don't expect to know everything about what happens. It is important to inform me if you're in a car accident whether it is big or small.
I've been surprised with all of the stereotypical experiences of a divorce that happens. We didn't have a whole lot of friends together, but I was surprised that I was alienated by a couple of our friends. All I can do is continue to do what I am doing. I strive to be a good person, and my boys are number one. If lies are told about me all I can do is ignore it. I can choose to air all of the dirty laundry, or be the bigger person and move on. Hate me, love me, judge me, like me, talk about me...
I ask each person that has given me advice, supported me, loved me, judged me, or talked about me to take a minute to think about what my children and me are going through. Before I type this I realize people have it worse than me, but this is what I'm going through. I took on going to school at the same time I decided to get a divorce. I was promised help from him with our youngest. He decided in the middle of the semester not to any longer. Because of missing lots of classes for child's sickness and not having help I've had to drop one of my classes. My middle son is dealing with extreme anger issues because of the divorce. My house is an example of how my life is right now; A DISASTER. Between trying to do homework, clean, take care of the boys, ex issues, not sleeping through the night, and so much more I feel like I'm drowning. I have support...but it seems like there's not enough time in the day to get enough done. After hearing some opinions you would think all I do is spend 24 hours a day with my boyfriend. That's not even close to being true. He does work, has a home, and doesn't live in the same town. I also have my boys the majority of the time. I am 36 years old, with three boys, and almost a divorcee. I have made plenty of mistakes. I have learned from them. I'm a healthier and happier person, and I will not make any rash decisions. There have been many examples from other divorces I've seen that have been good and bad. I will obviously take from the good and avoid the bad.
The last favor I ask is to try to be less judgmental not just of me but of others going through a divorce. From the outside you have no idea of everything that is going on. It may look like one thing, but is another. I'm trying to make a happier and healthier life for my children and myself; Remember that above everything else. I welcome your advice, but please don't take offense if I choose a different path. It also doesn't mean my way is wrong. If my children are happy and healthy that's what matters. I'm sure that I'm forgetting some things I wanted to say, but this blog is already super long. Happy reading!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Transformation
January 22, 2013 seems like a lifetime ago. I have 'shed my skin'. I have been 'reborn'. I have made a transformation. All of those can be said for my life the past eight months. I don't feel like a different person. This is who I have always been, but hidden deep inside my insecure body. I guess that would be insecure mind. ;-)I've made some big decisions in my life lately. I do share a lot of personal information here, but some details will not be shared. My divorce is only being mentioned, because I feel I need to clear up what I'm sure some have thought. "She's divorcing him after losing all of that weight." If anyone knows me personally they know why I made the incredibly hard choice. Becoming healthy mentally and physically is what helped me be strong enough to do what needed to be done. I wish him happiness and good health. Done.
I really don't know where to begin! Even with the hard changes in my life I am incredibly happy! My time with my boys is cherished and so much better now. I'm exercising three to five times a week! There have been so many times when I've surprised myself.
One of my friends and I were talking about when to leave to see Bon Jovi. She asked me if we could leave at nine. I replied by saying how about ten, because I'd like to exercise and have time to shower. What?! Who said that? That's me? Yes, exercise is a huge priority in my life now. It is my antidepressant. Exercise is my canvas. My body is what is on the canvas, and as I lift the weights or do my sixth minute of squats I'm creating my artwork. It has taken my whole life to realize whatever my body is, it is mine, and it is beautiful with all of its imperfections. I need to remind myself of this when I'm concerned about my scars or my sad face my skin makes on my stomach now. (hehe) What I need to celebrate are the tight thigh and arm muscles I have now! This is my artwork!
I have lost 115 pounds since December. Someone I know asked me why I was exercising if I had this surgery. I didn't have this surgery for an easy answer. This was a drastic but needed decision. The gastric sleeve is a tool. It has been a huge tool for helping me change my life. After my surgery I was sick for quite some time. My gallbladder was the culprit. After that surgery I was depressed though. I had no motivation to exercise. Well, I had the
desire to exercise, but I still had the old negative thinking that I wasn't good enough to be in the aerobic classes. A couple of my friends mentioned the classes they liked at the YMCA. A friend mentioned they were going at 5:30. I was hooked after that class! My friends and family have been such a huge support system!
People tell me I'm such an inspiration. I need to thank my friends and family for being here for me. The support, kind words, and love has also helped me get to where I am. I've done the hard work, BUT my beautiful friends and family have been with me every step of the way. Ah...I digressed. Exercise and the question of why am I exercising if I had this surgery. Once again, this surgery gave me a tool. It wasn't the magic pill. Before I started exercising I felt depressed. I thought, "Great, I will be thinner now, but still out of shape." To finish this story.... I now exercise and LOVE it! I signed up for the 5K Mud run here in town. I cannot wait to participate with my team! I'm ready to get dirty!There is so much more I want to share, but for now this is it. I'm 36, mother of 3 boys, divorcee(soon), and a junior at EIU!!! Oh and I wear a size 8 at Black and White! *CHEER!*
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Five Weeks Feels Like Six Months
I'm sitting in the van with my youngest in the school pick up line. I feel so full. For lunch I had a few bites of what's pictured below. I ordered sausage without really thinking. Not that the mouse bites I had would add pounds on me, but it is fatty and not good for my gallbladder. I realized I just wanted to taste it again. Everything was too salty for me. I realize if I ever eat out I should always go with someone I can share a meal with.
I'd say it has been a roller coaster ever since my surgery. I'm very happy with my decision still, but the message from Dr. O's nurse really means something to me now. "If anyone says you took the easy way they are completely wrong."
This is not easy. I had to make a drastic move in my life before I wasted any more years. Can I eat cake, ice cream, etc if I wanted to? Sure! The surgery didn't solve everything. It is a stern voice in my body saying THIS is how much you can eat, and if you eat more than that you are going to hurt. I still have to make the right decisions. It is still up to me to exercise and eat what is healthy for me. It has been five weeks, and my problem isn't that I'm eating high calorie/fat foods. My problem is drinking enough fluids and getting my protein in.
I still have times when I see pizza, and think that it smells and looks really good. I'd really like to taste it, but I tell myself it won't be worth it. At some point I'll make pizza with cauliflower crust. When I was in the hospital over night for my gallbladder I wasn't able to eat or drink anything. That next day I was quite cranky about sitting at Atlanta Bread watching everyone eat tasty looking food. As long as I'm not kept from drinking or eating I'm ok, but that day I wasn't. Most of my friends are nervous about asking me to go out to eat. I can go, and if I feel like it won't be easy for me I won't go. I can share meals...more like take a few bites from your plate. ;)
I've lost 25 pounds since my surgery. According to my nurse I'm doing quite well! I've lost 26% of what I'm supposed to lose. They ask most patients to be between 15% and 25% at this point. Minus my uterus and gallbladder issues I feel good. I say that as I feel weak and tired, but when I walk I notice the weightloss. I feel lighter. My clothes shirts are quite loose. I've gone down a jean size, but I feel like my stomach, butt, and hip fat don't want to leave me. I've noticed most of the weight and inches coming off from my face, waist, and chest area. I'll be looking into a breast reduction and or a lift. I wouldn't say I was ever perky after I passed size DDD, but they are no longer plump. I laugh as I type that. National Geographic comes to mind. AND we move on...
My three boys don't seem to notice a difference. My middle child asked me yesterday, "Mommy, if you've lost weight why are you still fat?" I can always count on Aaron to be blunt and not spare my feelings. Maybe in a month or so he will notice a difference.
I guess that's it for now. I'm posting some before pictures. I have to laugh when I look at them. It was the night before surgery, and I asked John Michael to take pictures of me. I've always thought people made their before pictures look bad on purpose. Nope, that wasn't my plan. I'm adding one I took of myself over a week ago. I think I've lost four or so pounds since then.
I'd say it has been a roller coaster ever since my surgery. I'm very happy with my decision still, but the message from Dr. O's nurse really means something to me now. "If anyone says you took the easy way they are completely wrong."
This is not easy. I had to make a drastic move in my life before I wasted any more years. Can I eat cake, ice cream, etc if I wanted to? Sure! The surgery didn't solve everything. It is a stern voice in my body saying THIS is how much you can eat, and if you eat more than that you are going to hurt. I still have to make the right decisions. It is still up to me to exercise and eat what is healthy for me. It has been five weeks, and my problem isn't that I'm eating high calorie/fat foods. My problem is drinking enough fluids and getting my protein in.
I still have times when I see pizza, and think that it smells and looks really good. I'd really like to taste it, but I tell myself it won't be worth it. At some point I'll make pizza with cauliflower crust. When I was in the hospital over night for my gallbladder I wasn't able to eat or drink anything. That next day I was quite cranky about sitting at Atlanta Bread watching everyone eat tasty looking food. As long as I'm not kept from drinking or eating I'm ok, but that day I wasn't. Most of my friends are nervous about asking me to go out to eat. I can go, and if I feel like it won't be easy for me I won't go. I can share meals...more like take a few bites from your plate. ;)
I've lost 25 pounds since my surgery. According to my nurse I'm doing quite well! I've lost 26% of what I'm supposed to lose. They ask most patients to be between 15% and 25% at this point. Minus my uterus and gallbladder issues I feel good. I say that as I feel weak and tired, but when I walk I notice the weightloss. I feel lighter. My clothes shirts are quite loose. I've gone down a jean size, but I feel like my stomach, butt, and hip fat don't want to leave me. I've noticed most of the weight and inches coming off from my face, waist, and chest area. I'll be looking into a breast reduction and or a lift. I wouldn't say I was ever perky after I passed size DDD, but they are no longer plump. I laugh as I type that. National Geographic comes to mind. AND we move on...
My three boys don't seem to notice a difference. My middle child asked me yesterday, "Mommy, if you've lost weight why are you still fat?" I can always count on Aaron to be blunt and not spare my feelings. Maybe in a month or so he will notice a difference.
I guess that's it for now. I'm posting some before pictures. I have to laugh when I look at them. It was the night before surgery, and I asked John Michael to take pictures of me. I've always thought people made their before pictures look bad on purpose. Nope, that wasn't my plan. I'm adding one I took of myself over a week ago. I think I've lost four or so pounds since then.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Photo Book
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Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Grab A Beverage Before This One! It's A Long One!
I'm a week out after my surgery. I've lost seven pounds. I'm not hungry, but I'm craving real food!! I've had friends bring over food for my family. I imagine myself picking up that piece of chicken and ravishing it! I miss carbonated beverages more than anything! The protein shakes are grossing me out, because it takes me so long to drink them. I'm finding myself wanting food food food! I don't plan on eating horribly, but the deep dish pizza John was eating earlier was driving me crazy. I want to make healthy food and eat it, but right now I get cranky when I see any food. I keep telling myself this feeling will pass. Look at the big picture. Soon I can eat again, and it won't be broth. I'm excited to eat healthy and not pig out.
This weekend John had a hard time with my new life style. The kids were away, and normally we will eat out at restaurants we enjoy without children. Also late at night we used to go for yummy dessert. I told him we would have to find another hobby together that didn't include consuming over 1,000 each at a time. We can cook, walk, or play games together. I was dealing with it fine, but he started bringing up foods he wanted or how he missed dining out together more than a few times a day. So I told him I'm ok talking about it once or twice a day, but anymore than that makes me think about it too much.
I'm adding rowing to my bucket list. I watched it being done on the Biggest Loser. I've refused to watch that show ever since it started. I'd start watching it, and then feel guilty after a while or feel defeated. Now I use the show to motivate me! I usually end up getting emotional. I KNOW I will be one of those people that finally get it, and love life! I don't think ..... Ok, I know I've never been happy with my body. (I've thought about writing about this for a long time. I guess I'm doing it now. I will say before I write more that I am no longer a victim of my childhood woes, and I will have a good self esteem.)
I've wanted pictures to post with this story, but I'll do without. In elementary school I matured quickly. While most girls in third grade had barely anything under their shirt I had breasts. I started my period at nine. I had hips. Hell, I had a body of a teenager/woman. I slouched. I ran leaning forward a little while putting my arms in front of me. I had boys trying to touch my breasts at the same time telling me I was fat. A classmate that was also a crossing guard found much humor in shaking while I walked across the street. He said I was a bulldozer shaking the road. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, Inside I was horrified and sad. In high school a friend apologized for calling me 'Hope The Dope, With The Big Fat Soap' throughout elementary school and middle school. I went through school feeling like I didn't deserve to look in the mirror ever. I'm still working on that issue in public. Some lovely girl told me I was fat, and I didn't need to bother fixing my hair. As I write this I'm saying to myself whine whine whine. Lol
Of course in elementary school classmates thought I was fat. I didn't look like them. I WASN'T fat at all. When I look back at pictures of myself I looked GOOD! Because of my body image I wore baggy shirts.
So there's part of my story. I was blind to what I really looked like. My self esteem was tanked. I cannot wait until I walk into one of the mall stores, and feel like I belong. I love myself now, but I'm still working through years of self negative talk. I accept myself, AND I will change what I don't like. I'm overweight, but I do think I'm pretty. Two weeks more, and I can start my active life! I'm walking, but I'm ready to start training for 5K's, long hikes, and so much more. Playing football with my boys! Running through the park tagging my boys! I may still shy away from the mirror when someone walks in the bathroom, but dammit I'm going to fix that! I will live, live everyday, and love it! My weight, past, and other people's judgement of me will not rule my life. The end. ;) for now!
This weekend John had a hard time with my new life style. The kids were away, and normally we will eat out at restaurants we enjoy without children. Also late at night we used to go for yummy dessert. I told him we would have to find another hobby together that didn't include consuming over 1,000 each at a time. We can cook, walk, or play games together. I was dealing with it fine, but he started bringing up foods he wanted or how he missed dining out together more than a few times a day. So I told him I'm ok talking about it once or twice a day, but anymore than that makes me think about it too much.
I'm adding rowing to my bucket list. I watched it being done on the Biggest Loser. I've refused to watch that show ever since it started. I'd start watching it, and then feel guilty after a while or feel defeated. Now I use the show to motivate me! I usually end up getting emotional. I KNOW I will be one of those people that finally get it, and love life! I don't think ..... Ok, I know I've never been happy with my body. (I've thought about writing about this for a long time. I guess I'm doing it now. I will say before I write more that I am no longer a victim of my childhood woes, and I will have a good self esteem.)
I've wanted pictures to post with this story, but I'll do without. In elementary school I matured quickly. While most girls in third grade had barely anything under their shirt I had breasts. I started my period at nine. I had hips. Hell, I had a body of a teenager/woman. I slouched. I ran leaning forward a little while putting my arms in front of me. I had boys trying to touch my breasts at the same time telling me I was fat. A classmate that was also a crossing guard found much humor in shaking while I walked across the street. He said I was a bulldozer shaking the road. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, Inside I was horrified and sad. In high school a friend apologized for calling me 'Hope The Dope, With The Big Fat Soap' throughout elementary school and middle school. I went through school feeling like I didn't deserve to look in the mirror ever. I'm still working on that issue in public. Some lovely girl told me I was fat, and I didn't need to bother fixing my hair. As I write this I'm saying to myself whine whine whine. Lol
Of course in elementary school classmates thought I was fat. I didn't look like them. I WASN'T fat at all. When I look back at pictures of myself I looked GOOD! Because of my body image I wore baggy shirts.
So there's part of my story. I was blind to what I really looked like. My self esteem was tanked. I cannot wait until I walk into one of the mall stores, and feel like I belong. I love myself now, but I'm still working through years of self negative talk. I accept myself, AND I will change what I don't like. I'm overweight, but I do think I'm pretty. Two weeks more, and I can start my active life! I'm walking, but I'm ready to start training for 5K's, long hikes, and so much more. Playing football with my boys! Running through the park tagging my boys! I may still shy away from the mirror when someone walks in the bathroom, but dammit I'm going to fix that! I will live, live everyday, and love it! My weight, past, and other people's judgement of me will not rule my life. The end. ;) for now!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Gas, Gas, Glorious Gas!
When you've had your stomach blown up like a huge balloon the feeling of gas passing is marvelous! After such a procedure the conversation or passing of gas is there quite a bit. I've done tons of walking to reduce my large gas belly. My friend, Jen, came over last night, and we laughed at the subject, and cheered when I passed it. Some of you may understand, or think I've gone off my rocker. But I appreciate the passing of gas!
Yesterday, I had a bit of a scare, and I'm still a little nervous. I have an incision that is swollen and discolored. I had a low grade fever around 10 pm. I ended up going to the nurse Friday afternoon to be sure it was okay. The nurse put me on a strong antibiotic. You may not be able to see if it is swollen, but take my word for it.
I've been sipping protein shakes. Creamed soups have been added to my diet. I eat two tables to 1/4 of a cup of yogurt or soup at a time. I'm not hungry. I'm recognizing my emotional hunger. My friend, Kylla, ordered pizza for my family last night. They loved it, and it looked so good. I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to taste it. I felt myself thinking of my old ways. I know at some point I can have that food, but it will never be two/three pieces at a time. I can enjoy a BITE or lick of something. I have learned how to enjoy each taste. I'm mindful of what I'm eating. It is difficult to get in all of my fluids when I'm taking tiny sips at a time, but I'm working on it.
Today John wanted to go to Atlanta Bread for lunch after our walk (1/2 a mile four days after surgery). So I ordered a cup of tomato bisque soup. I had it in a Togo cup, because it is about four to five meals for me. It was so delicious! I warmed a little up for dinner, but I wasn't able to eat much of it before I realized I was too full. That is a painful feeling! I walked around the house to work it out.
The scale? I've lost five pounds since I've been home. You wouldn't be able to notice the weight loss since I have a gas baby! Since I've been to the doctor's office a few weeks ago I've lost 20 pounds! At times when I'm in pain I'm still in good spirits, just knowing that my future is looking up! I did find myself scared last night when there was a possibility of sepsis! I was thinking why would I do this to my boys?! Everything should be fine. My boys are with two women right now that love them dearly! They had a blast at the City Museum today. I'm looking forward to relaxing and snoozing some more.
I still believe this was the right decision for me. My family has already benefited from it. Life is good and gassy! ;) healthy tooting to all!
Yesterday, I had a bit of a scare, and I'm still a little nervous. I have an incision that is swollen and discolored. I had a low grade fever around 10 pm. I ended up going to the nurse Friday afternoon to be sure it was okay. The nurse put me on a strong antibiotic. You may not be able to see if it is swollen, but take my word for it.
I've been sipping protein shakes. Creamed soups have been added to my diet. I eat two tables to 1/4 of a cup of yogurt or soup at a time. I'm not hungry. I'm recognizing my emotional hunger. My friend, Kylla, ordered pizza for my family last night. They loved it, and it looked so good. I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to taste it. I felt myself thinking of my old ways. I know at some point I can have that food, but it will never be two/three pieces at a time. I can enjoy a BITE or lick of something. I have learned how to enjoy each taste. I'm mindful of what I'm eating. It is difficult to get in all of my fluids when I'm taking tiny sips at a time, but I'm working on it.
Today John wanted to go to Atlanta Bread for lunch after our walk (1/2 a mile four days after surgery). So I ordered a cup of tomato bisque soup. I had it in a Togo cup, because it is about four to five meals for me. It was so delicious! I warmed a little up for dinner, but I wasn't able to eat much of it before I realized I was too full. That is a painful feeling! I walked around the house to work it out.
The scale? I've lost five pounds since I've been home. You wouldn't be able to notice the weight loss since I have a gas baby! Since I've been to the doctor's office a few weeks ago I've lost 20 pounds! At times when I'm in pain I'm still in good spirits, just knowing that my future is looking up! I did find myself scared last night when there was a possibility of sepsis! I was thinking why would I do this to my boys?! Everything should be fine. My boys are with two women right now that love them dearly! They had a blast at the City Museum today. I'm looking forward to relaxing and snoozing some more.
I still believe this was the right decision for me. My family has already benefited from it. Life is good and gassy! ;) healthy tooting to all!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
The Beginning of The Rest Of My Life!
I am now without most if my stomach. The surgery went well. They had to repair a hernia, and the surgery took longer. It really scared John when it hit hour three. The morning I went in I was so anxious to get it done. The IV was making me more nervous than the surgery. My nurse, Carol, was so amazing! Not only is she good at what she does, but she has great bedside manner! My nurse in recovery was funny and nice. When it came to the nurses I lucked out!
I sat up not too long after I was in my room. I even took a few steps soon after that. A lot of laps were made on my floor. I was able to go home Thursday afternoon!
I sat up not too long after I was in my room. I even took a few steps soon after that. A lot of laps were made on my floor. I was able to go home Thursday afternoon!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Tomorrow is The Big Day!
Well, the surgery is tomorrow! I check in at 5:30 am! I'm so happy my surgery is early, 7:30 am. The past five days has seemed like two weeks in itself. I've been so hungry, and just ready to get this done!
Friday some of my friends and I went to El Toro for a last ... Lets just call it what it was ' Last Pig Out Meal'. I ate chips, salsa, cheese dip, and chimichangas! We spent hours there! I enjoyed the meal and the company. As I type that right now my stomach is growling! I've been on a clear liquid diet today. Ggrr! Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!
Friday some of my friends and I went to El Toro for a last ... Lets just call it what it was ' Last Pig Out Meal'. I ate chips, salsa, cheese dip, and chimichangas! We spent hours there! I enjoyed the meal and the company. As I type that right now my stomach is growling! I've been on a clear liquid diet today. Ggrr! Tomorrow cannot come soon enough!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A WEEK From Today!!!!
You're probably asking, "What in the world is that?" Or "Why?" In my first post I joked that I let myself get this fat, because I couldn't see my stomach unless I met up with a mirror. This picture is my view when I look down. All I see is a mound of breasts. LOL
Today I received a call from a wonderful nurse from Cigna. She's been advising me and working with me to get this finally accepted through the insurance company! She was happy to let me know it was finally passed! I will be with about 85% less of a stomach That day! My life has already changed in the past week, but it will drastically change after that day. I've lost over 10 pounds since I've started this diet. Here's what I've been eating:
Breakfast: Atkins shake (I put this off as long as possible)
Mid morning snack: water/flavored water with an apple, cutie, or grapes
Lunch: Atkins shake (again I put this off) I sip it slowly
Dinner: two cups of vegetables and 8 oz of skim milk
Snack: a fruit, 8 oz milk
If I get super hungry between any of those "meals" I will have a sugar free jello. I eat the jello very slowly to enjoy it. I've learned to appreciate and be mindful of my food I'm eating. I haven't gone off of the diet once! Believe me I've thought going off of it a few times. I've joked with John that I could eat the whole world at times! Last night John cooked my vegetables. They were delicious, but spicy! He was trying to make it like the Indian food I have enjoyed, but I have a wimpy tongue! It was delicious, but I ate it fast, because of the spicy flavor.
Ethan and I went to the Walmart this morning. I tried to make sure I went there right after I ate an apple. I don't want to be walking through Walmart feeling hungry. We were there for quite some time. Ethan needed a haircut badly. I was able to walk through the store hungry, and I didn't fill up my cart with crap or feel anxious! I had my shake when I got home, and I'm feeling great!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Eight Days More
I am HUNGRY, and I'm handling the feeling just fine. By saying that I mean I'm not following my mind that would like to go eat just a piece of cheese. I have to say for two days since I read a friend's status of eating at the White Horse I've CRAVED biscuits and gravy! Just like Doritos I rarely eat biscuits and gravy, but I'm once again dreaming of buttery biscuits with delicious sausage gravy! LOL Why did that status set off my craving? I remember once in a while I'd go there with my dad for breakfast when I was kid. I liked being there with my dad, and the biscuits and gravy were yummy! Don't bother going to try the biscuits and gravy there. They no longer serve breakfast. Why do I know that? I just looked it up. Hehe I am near that time of month, and I usually have a bigger appetite, or my hormones crave food it shouldn't crave!
Insurance tried to throw a wrench into my surgery. Now they'd like a letter from my regular doctor approving my surgery. According to a Carle employee this is new from the insurance. The approval of the surgeon, psychiatrist, and six months of seeing my doctor every six weeks wasn't enough?! Supposedly it was taken care of today.
Insurance tried to throw a wrench into my surgery. Now they'd like a letter from my regular doctor approving my surgery. According to a Carle employee this is new from the insurance. The approval of the surgeon, psychiatrist, and six months of seeing my doctor every six weeks wasn't enough?! Supposedly it was taken care of today.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Smiling
Day 3 and 4
I'm feeling pretty amazing right now. I'm already seeing the benefits of my decision and this diet. We go out to eat quite often. The boys' meals are not what I'd want them to eat. For three days straight we've eaten at home. They've eaten healthy meals, and Aaron has even asked to eat my vegetables! They had green beans, but Aaron was really interested in mine. So one night we actually had three different vegetables on the table.
Last night I felt like I got my emotions under control with my hunger. Unlike the night before when I was dreaming of the Doritos I was able to be okay with feeling hungry. It was a different feeling. I knew I was hungry, but there wasn't that desperation of wanting to run out in my underwear to get a cheeseburger! A negative I've found so far is that I'm having a hard time sleeping. Let me rephrase that, I'm having a hard time sleeping at NIGHT. Two nights before I woke up off and on through the night. Last night I just couldn't fall asleep. I ended up falling asleep reclined on our couch. I woke up to John Michael asking me a question at 6 A.M. I'm hoping tonight is better.
This morning (just like Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday) I fell asleep for a while on the couch. This diet has left me feeling weak at times and exhausted. Later today I got a burst of energy! I went upstairs to clean our bedroom while Ethan played in his room. Our room was BAD! I rather show you a before picture of myself in tight clothes than show a picture of our room. LOL We were on our way to an episode of Hoarders. Okay, it wasn't that bad... It felt so good to get that done!
Since Tuesday I've been hiding out in my house. I didn't think I'd leave the house until my surgery. Feeling so hungry and not wanting to look at food made me fear being around any food. I decided tonight I'd go out with Melissa M. to spend my Pier 1 gift card. She mentioned that she had an Applebee's gift card, and that we could go. Two days ago my reply would have been "Hell no!". Today I felt strong enough to handle eating vegetables instead of ordering a meal. Before I went John mentioned that I could cheat, and the doctors wouldn't know. I didn't appreciate that comment. I'm 100% committed to this. I know he was worried I'd have a hard time with it, and maybe he was giving me an out. I felt a moment of weakness. He said that I had been telling him about others from the Forum I read that they've cheated on their pre op diet. I don't work like that. I think if I ate a regular meal or ordered pizza I would have a super hard time going back to the diet. I've made a commitment and I will stick to it! I can report that I ate broccoli and zucchini with terriaki! I decided my 'cheat' would be diet coke. After the surgery I will not be drinking it. Melissa felt bad ordering a meal, but I told her I was completely fine. I really was fine. All of the food that passed me and the burger she ate did not bother me! This is such an amazing feeling! As I type I'm hungry, but I don't feel anxious about it. I'll probably get a sugar free jello and drink water before I go to sleep. Being hungry may be what kept me awake the other night.
I look forward to having my surgery, and being able to tell myself I did it without ordering that pizza or making my mom's dip with Doritos on that second day! My sister sent a picture of something yummy the kids might like. I teased her and asked if she was trying to torture me. It did look good, but I was okay. After a while I can make it. I will only be eating a fourth of a cup of it, and that's fine! I have spent a lot of time on http://www.verticalsleevetalk.com/ . It is a wonderful forum! There are people that share their success stories and fears. The forum has been a wonderful tool for me. I am more than excited for my future and the future of my family. I feel so lucky for all of the support I've received from friends and family. The 22nd of January will be here in no time!
I'm feeling pretty amazing right now. I'm already seeing the benefits of my decision and this diet. We go out to eat quite often. The boys' meals are not what I'd want them to eat. For three days straight we've eaten at home. They've eaten healthy meals, and Aaron has even asked to eat my vegetables! They had green beans, but Aaron was really interested in mine. So one night we actually had three different vegetables on the table.
Last night I felt like I got my emotions under control with my hunger. Unlike the night before when I was dreaming of the Doritos I was able to be okay with feeling hungry. It was a different feeling. I knew I was hungry, but there wasn't that desperation of wanting to run out in my underwear to get a cheeseburger! A negative I've found so far is that I'm having a hard time sleeping. Let me rephrase that, I'm having a hard time sleeping at NIGHT. Two nights before I woke up off and on through the night. Last night I just couldn't fall asleep. I ended up falling asleep reclined on our couch. I woke up to John Michael asking me a question at 6 A.M. I'm hoping tonight is better.
This morning (just like Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday) I fell asleep for a while on the couch. This diet has left me feeling weak at times and exhausted. Later today I got a burst of energy! I went upstairs to clean our bedroom while Ethan played in his room. Our room was BAD! I rather show you a before picture of myself in tight clothes than show a picture of our room. LOL We were on our way to an episode of Hoarders. Okay, it wasn't that bad... It felt so good to get that done!
Since Tuesday I've been hiding out in my house. I didn't think I'd leave the house until my surgery. Feeling so hungry and not wanting to look at food made me fear being around any food. I decided tonight I'd go out with Melissa M. to spend my Pier 1 gift card. She mentioned that she had an Applebee's gift card, and that we could go. Two days ago my reply would have been "Hell no!". Today I felt strong enough to handle eating vegetables instead of ordering a meal. Before I went John mentioned that I could cheat, and the doctors wouldn't know. I didn't appreciate that comment. I'm 100% committed to this. I know he was worried I'd have a hard time with it, and maybe he was giving me an out. I felt a moment of weakness. He said that I had been telling him about others from the Forum I read that they've cheated on their pre op diet. I don't work like that. I think if I ate a regular meal or ordered pizza I would have a super hard time going back to the diet. I've made a commitment and I will stick to it! I can report that I ate broccoli and zucchini with terriaki! I decided my 'cheat' would be diet coke. After the surgery I will not be drinking it. Melissa felt bad ordering a meal, but I told her I was completely fine. I really was fine. All of the food that passed me and the burger she ate did not bother me! This is such an amazing feeling! As I type I'm hungry, but I don't feel anxious about it. I'll probably get a sugar free jello and drink water before I go to sleep. Being hungry may be what kept me awake the other night.
I look forward to having my surgery, and being able to tell myself I did it without ordering that pizza or making my mom's dip with Doritos on that second day! My sister sent a picture of something yummy the kids might like. I teased her and asked if she was trying to torture me. It did look good, but I was okay. After a while I can make it. I will only be eating a fourth of a cup of it, and that's fine! I have spent a lot of time on http://www.verticalsleevetalk.com/ . It is a wonderful forum! There are people that share their success stories and fears. The forum has been a wonderful tool for me. I am more than excited for my future and the future of my family. I feel so lucky for all of the support I've received from friends and family. The 22nd of January will be here in no time!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
That apple is DELICOUS!
I'm on day three of the two week diet. I slept a lot this morning. For some reason my sleep the past couple of days has been difficult. On a good note since January 8th the scale is down 7.2 pounds! I don't care if it is water weight or fat the scale is down, and I will never see those numbers again.
Last night I put myself in my room after we read to the boys and put them to bed. John brought an apple and sugar free jello up to me. I became super hungry after a while. I was handling it okay until I saw an animated bag of Doritos. At that point my brain went on an eating adventure! I started imagining the cheese powder on the Doritos, and my mom makes this yummy dip with cream cheese and salsa. I imagined scooping up a bunch of dip and bringing it to my mouth. During that fantasy a pizza commercial came on. I told John we needed to turn off the t.v. or I'd be jumping in the car in my t-shirt and panties to go to a drive thru. (hehe) He agreed it was past our bedtime. I fell asleep thinking of Doritos. Mind you, I am not a big chip eater. Yes, if I open a bag of Doritos I can eat quite a bit, but I'm okay as long as I don't open it. I don't even buy Doritos. So I was very hungry to be fantasizing about DORITOS. I woke up a lot during the night, but I wasn't having hungry pains. My headaches have been lingering since yesterday morning. I've heard you can get headaches the first few days. Ugh. I keep telling myself it will be totally worth it!
My insecurities are also front in my mind, and that's also a motivation to continue this diet. Monday Aaron and John Michael had swimming lessons. I find myself constantly worrying about how I look. If I could I'd be invisible right now. I walk past the front desk wondering if my coat is covering my stomach and if my sweater is covering my breasts. I walked by the mirror feeling negative about my looks. I find myself noticing there is someone behind me watching their kids, and I don't want to turn around because of the way I look. Yesterday I was sitting and watching the boys swim, I heard a voice I recognized (Wendy), but I didn't want to turn around, because I'm so fat. I look up to her, because she's so active. She's run marathons, teaches aerobics classes, and swims. I put my thoughts about myself in place of what I think she probably thinks of me. I know this is all unhealthy. When I look at someone overweight I don't think the thoughts I have about myself. If anyone has ever said or thought negative things about me, believe me I've said and thought a lot worse. Yes, this is still a work in progress. I am a work in progress.
I've also realized how much to appreciate my food when I don't get very much of it. ;-) My apples, grapes, and vegetables have never tasted so good! Each bite of the apple is so sweet and crisp.
Last night I put myself in my room after we read to the boys and put them to bed. John brought an apple and sugar free jello up to me. I became super hungry after a while. I was handling it okay until I saw an animated bag of Doritos. At that point my brain went on an eating adventure! I started imagining the cheese powder on the Doritos, and my mom makes this yummy dip with cream cheese and salsa. I imagined scooping up a bunch of dip and bringing it to my mouth. During that fantasy a pizza commercial came on. I told John we needed to turn off the t.v. or I'd be jumping in the car in my t-shirt and panties to go to a drive thru. (hehe) He agreed it was past our bedtime. I fell asleep thinking of Doritos. Mind you, I am not a big chip eater. Yes, if I open a bag of Doritos I can eat quite a bit, but I'm okay as long as I don't open it. I don't even buy Doritos. So I was very hungry to be fantasizing about DORITOS. I woke up a lot during the night, but I wasn't having hungry pains. My headaches have been lingering since yesterday morning. I've heard you can get headaches the first few days. Ugh. I keep telling myself it will be totally worth it!
My insecurities are also front in my mind, and that's also a motivation to continue this diet. Monday Aaron and John Michael had swimming lessons. I find myself constantly worrying about how I look. If I could I'd be invisible right now. I walk past the front desk wondering if my coat is covering my stomach and if my sweater is covering my breasts. I walked by the mirror feeling negative about my looks. I find myself noticing there is someone behind me watching their kids, and I don't want to turn around because of the way I look. Yesterday I was sitting and watching the boys swim, I heard a voice I recognized (Wendy), but I didn't want to turn around, because I'm so fat. I look up to her, because she's so active. She's run marathons, teaches aerobics classes, and swims. I put my thoughts about myself in place of what I think she probably thinks of me. I know this is all unhealthy. When I look at someone overweight I don't think the thoughts I have about myself. If anyone has ever said or thought negative things about me, believe me I've said and thought a lot worse. Yes, this is still a work in progress. I am a work in progress.
I've also realized how much to appreciate my food when I don't get very much of it. ;-) My apples, grapes, and vegetables have never tasted so good! Each bite of the apple is so sweet and crisp.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
800 is Not My Favorite Number Right Now
Day 1
The first day of my two week 800 calorie diet started today. It went well until about 4:00, and then my body said, "I'm HUNGRY!" Earlier I was on cloud 9 after I grocery shopped. My friend, Melissa, kept me company while I shopped for yummy fruits, vegetables, and shakes. I even made sure on my way home I started my delicious lunch of an Atkins shake before I got too hungry. I know what happens if I pass that hunger line. I want to eat whatever I can or jump down someone's throat! I was proud of the vegetables that filled my refrigerator! I still am happy about the food that fills my refrigerator!
I enjoyed My dinner of two cups of vegetables cooked in chicken broth with seasoned salt added. Aaron actually wanted to steal my broccoli and cauliflower! I told him I'd make some for him tomorrow! After I ate my dinner I felt satisfied.....for about thirty minutes! Ggrr! My plan was to have my piece of fruit and hot tea around 7:30. What on earth was I to do?! I drank my water and snapped at John a little. My poor family has a lot to deal with in the next two weeks. I kept telling myself that this will pass. The end game is so much more worth it than my raging hunger! I also kept thinking about a book I've had for at least five years called 'Life is Hard, Food Is Easy' that I need to read. The book is now sitting next to me, and I will be reading it!
I sit here in my bed with my hot tea, feeling like I made it through the first storm! I spent some time texting with my friend, Gabi. We gave each other support, and she helped me not run to the kitchen and drink the pasta sauce. Hehe I really can't mess up. They will cancel my surgery if I don't do this diet, and that can't happen.
I'm adding to my new life bucket list:
- I want to walk into a store that doesn't carry plus sized clothes, and feel like I belong there.
- Visit my Brazilian sister, Carol, and have her show me her "New Orleans"!
The first day of my two week 800 calorie diet started today. It went well until about 4:00, and then my body said, "I'm HUNGRY!" Earlier I was on cloud 9 after I grocery shopped. My friend, Melissa, kept me company while I shopped for yummy fruits, vegetables, and shakes. I even made sure on my way home I started my delicious lunch of an Atkins shake before I got too hungry. I know what happens if I pass that hunger line. I want to eat whatever I can or jump down someone's throat! I was proud of the vegetables that filled my refrigerator! I still am happy about the food that fills my refrigerator!
I enjoyed My dinner of two cups of vegetables cooked in chicken broth with seasoned salt added. Aaron actually wanted to steal my broccoli and cauliflower! I told him I'd make some for him tomorrow! After I ate my dinner I felt satisfied.....for about thirty minutes! Ggrr! My plan was to have my piece of fruit and hot tea around 7:30. What on earth was I to do?! I drank my water and snapped at John a little. My poor family has a lot to deal with in the next two weeks. I kept telling myself that this will pass. The end game is so much more worth it than my raging hunger! I also kept thinking about a book I've had for at least five years called 'Life is Hard, Food Is Easy' that I need to read. The book is now sitting next to me, and I will be reading it!
I sit here in my bed with my hot tea, feeling like I made it through the first storm! I spent some time texting with my friend, Gabi. We gave each other support, and she helped me not run to the kitchen and drink the pasta sauce. Hehe I really can't mess up. They will cancel my surgery if I don't do this diet, and that can't happen.
I'm adding to my new life bucket list:
- I want to walk into a store that doesn't carry plus sized clothes, and feel like I belong there.
- Visit my Brazilian sister, Carol, and have her show me her "New Orleans"!
Monday, January 7, 2013
My Journey
Tomorrow is the beginning of a journey I've been anxiously awaiting. This blog will be the recording of this journey, and how I ended up making the decision I'm made. This blog will be honest, sometimes filled with too much information, and long winded. ;)
I haven't told many people, but I'm having bariatric surgery on January 22, 2013. At times I've worried what people will think about it, but I can't be concerned with that. I had first decided to have the lap band put on, but I've now changed to having the vertical sleeve done. What is that you may ask? Well, the doctor will remove most of my stomach so that I'm left with a tiny stomach. At the most I will be able to eat 2 to 3 ounces at a time. I will never drink pop again. There's so much more to it, and if you want look it up to learn more. I will lose the majority of my weight within the first 6 months to a year.
This decision did not come lightly. I can't tell you how many diets I've been on. For me, I need a strict, no choice about it plan! If I mess up it is life threatening, and for me that's ENOUGH to stay on track. You'd think heart disease, depression, and other issues with being overweight would be enough. But sadly because it isn't an immediate consequence it isn't enough for me. Yes, I try and try. You may say I haven't tried hard enough. There are some people that know about this surgery I'm having, and they have doubts that I will follow it and they are scared for me. The nurse has said don't let anyone tell you this is the easy, because it isn't. I am TRULY committed and excited to begin this journey! I need to do something NOW and this is what it needs to be. I find myself afraid that I will be having knee surgery in fifteen years, and following in one of my grandmother's footsteps if I don't do something drastic.
I can't tell you how thrilled I am! I've been a little overweight to obese since high school. I've tried different exercises, but honestly my breasts are so darn heavy! I've had John hold them up a couple of times so he could see how heavy they are. It is such a relief on my back and neck when he holds them for a couple of seconds. *giggle* He can't hold them for too long, because they are so heavy!!! I've wanted to run for exercise. I've tried taping them, many different sports bras, and even running where no one can see me while I hold them. (I told you this blog would have TMI.) As of right now I wear a size 44H(tight) bra. I joke at times that I'm this fat, because I can't see my body below my breasts. When I look in the mirror I'm reminded that I am THIS fat.
I have started a list of ...you could call it my 'New Life Bucket List'. Some of the things on the list I've done, but I don't or haven't wanted to do because of my weight or when I THOUGHT I was fat (more on that subject later). Here is my list as of right now:
I haven't told many people, but I'm having bariatric surgery on January 22, 2013. At times I've worried what people will think about it, but I can't be concerned with that. I had first decided to have the lap band put on, but I've now changed to having the vertical sleeve done. What is that you may ask? Well, the doctor will remove most of my stomach so that I'm left with a tiny stomach. At the most I will be able to eat 2 to 3 ounces at a time. I will never drink pop again. There's so much more to it, and if you want look it up to learn more. I will lose the majority of my weight within the first 6 months to a year.
This decision did not come lightly. I can't tell you how many diets I've been on. For me, I need a strict, no choice about it plan! If I mess up it is life threatening, and for me that's ENOUGH to stay on track. You'd think heart disease, depression, and other issues with being overweight would be enough. But sadly because it isn't an immediate consequence it isn't enough for me. Yes, I try and try. You may say I haven't tried hard enough. There are some people that know about this surgery I'm having, and they have doubts that I will follow it and they are scared for me. The nurse has said don't let anyone tell you this is the easy, because it isn't. I am TRULY committed and excited to begin this journey! I need to do something NOW and this is what it needs to be. I find myself afraid that I will be having knee surgery in fifteen years, and following in one of my grandmother's footsteps if I don't do something drastic.
I can't tell you how thrilled I am! I've been a little overweight to obese since high school. I've tried different exercises, but honestly my breasts are so darn heavy! I've had John hold them up a couple of times so he could see how heavy they are. It is such a relief on my back and neck when he holds them for a couple of seconds. *giggle* He can't hold them for too long, because they are so heavy!!! I've wanted to run for exercise. I've tried taping them, many different sports bras, and even running where no one can see me while I hold them. (I told you this blog would have TMI.) As of right now I wear a size 44H(tight) bra. I joke at times that I'm this fat, because I can't see my body below my breasts. When I look in the mirror I'm reminded that I am THIS fat.
I have started a list of ...you could call it my 'New Life Bucket List'. Some of the things on the list I've done, but I don't or haven't wanted to do because of my weight or when I THOUGHT I was fat (more on that subject later). Here is my list as of right now:
- Skiing
- Ice Skating/Roller Skating
- Horseback riding
- Hiking long distances and up mountains
- Theme parks without worrying
- Training for the Crazy CarX
- Ziplining
- Taking the kids canoeing
- Swimming laps
- Aerobics classes
- Ballroom Dance classes
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